The final chapter.

Right now I feel at my most vulnerable. So I write to you with an open heart.

Incase you haven't figured, my relationship fell apart, some months ago now. I haven't been able to post about it, it's like I've have writers block for months. I don't know what makes today different, but for some reason now I write with a certain ease.

Some days I don't know how to feel about this change. Other days I feel free. Other days I feel like I just gave up the best thing in my life.

My mind is confused. I'm not sure who I should be, and I'm not sure who I want to be. The last two years has without a doubt, been the most eye-opening of my life. Through-out this blog, I've written to try and justify who I am to the rest of the world. Now, I am not sure who I am - and what I stand for.

I know I want to get married to a guy one day, and that desire is stronger than almost any other instinct or feeling I have. Don't worry - I'm not going to throw myself at the first male I see! It is just an inner feeling I have, a certain strong-point, where I no longer feel I can budge. It quietly sits at the back of my brain, along with the cobwebs and the hopes of having a post-graduate degree and somehow travelling the world. Having my Dad one day walk me down the isle, is a feeling that for as long as I can remember, has been strong and keeps growing stronger. I am slowly realising its importance.

However, on the other hand, I also have come to realise that sexuality doesn't define you, and that I have really had the opportunity to experience something so profound, so real and so true, that people would search a lifetime for, long for, pine for, even kill for. I have experienced true love in it's most consuming way.

And that is something I will never regret and never ever deny myself the recognition of. I in no way regret or am ashamed of the last two years. I am proud of myself for the person in me I have explored, found and become comfortable with. I am also incredibly proud of my partner, and am moved to tears by her person and her beauty. I only wish you all knew it and knew her to appreciate this.

***

Being in a relationship with a girl has taught me so much. It is the story of my life. I wish I could say I feel stronger as a person, but really, I don't know about that. If anything, it has taught me the beauty of love, and the beast that can be love. I fell out of love, and it hurts to say that. However, I really want to put foward the fact that without a doubt, I love the girl I have been with more than almost anything else on this planet, and I don't ever want that to change.

I don't know if this happens the same between guys and girls, but I certainly have felt similarly about other males I have been in a relationship with - that I always want them to be a part of my life. I guess the difference is that with this particular person, I know that is a reality, and I know that our bond will remain to infinity and beyond.

One of the things that has been really important to me, is getting across the point that no matter who you are - your sexual, religious, political affiliations put aside, we are all human and should not be judged as being different to one another. I know that is idealistic to say, but I really have felt that I have a story to share, and that if I can't write and share my experiences, then I am in someway not contributing to the world and to society as a whole.

Now, more than ever - I think, I hope, that I can be happy with myself, and more than anyone else, that I can accept who I am, and be at peace with that questioning and inquisitive person I realise defines who I am.

I am learning though, that everyone has a story, not just me. Still, despite my situation, so many times I have had to look past my initial judgements and really think "where is this person coming from? How can I stop and take a step back, and appreciate who they are, without placing a label or a stereotype?". It is hard, and I think I can understand that people may struggle to accept my circumstances. Which is why I have decided to continue my blog, but with a different focus....

All this self-reflection has lead me to one particular realisation. As I have just said, everyone has a story.

I want to tell people's stories.

It is important that everyone has a chance, like my partner and I have had, to tell our stories and to be seen from a different perspective. So I invite you to join me on my new writing adventures, which focus less on me and more on you - the stories that everyone has. Watch this space, I am working on the beginnings of developing a website and another blog which will expand on this topic.

Lastly, I humbly, truelly and sincerely want to thank everyone who has supported myself and my partner over the last few years. Everyone who has offered support - in whatever way that may be - I am thankfull. I really can't explain with words the deep and overwhelming gratitute I have. From those of you who have smiled and said nothing, to those of you who have questioned me and put up with my drunken rants trying to justify myself, to those of you who have seen the not so pretty side, and to those of you who have not even questioned my being, and just accepted me - I thank you. Last of all I'd like to thank my mamma and my pappa (jj-i'm going all oscar speech now lol). No but seriously, I really am humbled and feel so lucky and so blessed.

Life is good. oooh yeaaaaahhhhh!!!!

p.s - I know I just made a joke of it, but I really really seriously would like to acknowledge my family and my partner's family. If ever you want to know the strength of family and the bonds they have - I have seen this and experienced and am blown away by by how our families have stood by us. Eternal. x

forgive me

Forgive me, I haven't written in too long.

It is hard to say and write and describe feelings that... well I don't even know where to start. I haven't blogged for almost seven months because everytime I begin to take thoughts out of my head and try to put them on paper, I get stuck. My mind just freezes. Most people find being emotional or experiencing emotions the best time to write, but I just can't make sense of words or make them work for me. So I think, and write blogs in my head - but for over half a year that is as far as it has got. I guess that says a little about what has been going on in my life.

I will try and explain further in the next few days.

Reminiscing

Last night we lay in bed and talked. I wasn't feeling very well and needed reminding of why and how life ended up as it is.

We talked about the first few days we were together, which is one of our favourite memories. Everything was so new and scary and exciting. We had no idea what was going on and where these strange and unfamiliar feelings were heading. We were living in our own little world with our own secrets and identity. Back then, nothing else mattered, no ones opinion or attitude or reaction or anything. Uni didn't matter, socialising didn't matter, money didn't matter, not even eating mattered - which is really saying something!

It is amazing how easily those thoughts and feeling fade away as habit and routine slip in. Sometimes it scares me what has become of those nights when I couldn't sleep because I was too consumed in this love that was so foreign yet so right. It just used to make me smile knowing that I had something that most people would literally search a lifetime for. It still does, but in a different way.

I think that now I worry too much about how we are supposed to make this work. About how we can survive as two girls living together, relying on each other and being devoted only to each other. Instead of spending the night thinking about what I have been blessed with, I often spend it thinking about what may happen over the next year, where we are heading, how we are going to get there, and if we are even going to make it.

Perhaps it is the voices in my own head that are holding me back from enjoying our relationship and just being happy with what life has given me. No one has ever doubted us (to our face) or our integrity just because we two girls. No one has ever said 'STOP!' think about this and doubt yourself. But I do. I can't help but worry and wonder and question. Maybe it is normal or natural. Maybe it is part of every relationship no matter whether heterosexual or homosexual, to have hesitations and go through the motions. I really hope it is. Actually, what I really hope is that someone will just come and shake me and tell me to pull myself together, to stop doubting and worrying and to just remember all those things that I love so much about my partner.

Well, whatever does happen in the future, I know that last night, after we talked, I fell asleep straight away and woke up after an amazing sleep, which was a relief. Just those few minutes we spent reminding each other of all the good was enough to put a smile back on my face.

I think I need to spend more time concentrating on what is going well right now, and what we are creating at the moment, than worrying about all the problems we have and the hurdles we are facing. Oh how I crave for this balance. I guess that is something we need to spend, as everyone does, time working on and talking about.