Monday, October 5, 2009

Boobs, bikes, and boys.

Boobs on bikes went past my uni the other day. My classmates never turned up becuase they were on the street watching and the few who did make it, including the tutor, were gawking out the window. So I went to my seat, sat down, and waited for everyone to arrive after having had their dose of free porn for the day. Needless to say that it was an awkward experience for me.

I felt too scared to go with everyone and watch scantily clad females ride topless on the back of old men's motorbikes. There is this feeling that if I join in, I will be judged as enjoing the show and thus be looked upon as a lesbian who is -like many boys- obsessed with and turned on by boobs. It's not that I don't appreciate the female form, because that would be a lie to say that I don't, but It's just that I am not ready to be looked at as a lesbian in that sense.

It is a strange feeling to need to justify my being all the time. I often say 'ooo that guy is hot' or 'oh yeah, when I went out with that guy' just to throw the fact in the conversation that I haven't been interested in girls all my life and that I am still interested in guys. It is not that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, it's just that perception can be a scary thing! We all want acceptance in one way or another, and learning how to find it, as I am learning, often involves taking a step back and just accepting what is. I am who I am and I haven't changed, I know that but learning how to put that out to everyone else is a bit more of a challenge.