The silence of being alone.

It's saturday night and I'm sitting at home... alone. That could possibly be sad. But I'm actually enjoying the calmness that having no one else in the house brings. Having all this flat with no people in it is quite refreshing, its like a whole new kind of breathing space. I haven't had much 'me time' lately becuase my partner and I live together. Which was and is a big step, although at the time it seemed like a natural progression. Anyway, she is away at the moment and its probably the first time in too long that we've been apart. Living together is great; it's beautiful, comforting and fun, but it takes its toll.

Sitting by myself, I realise that as an individual, I need my silence and space. The scary thing is though, it takes being apart to really appreciate it. I guess it all comes back to that whole idea of 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' (note: absense - not absinthe, as some of my friends would perhaps like to think. hehehe.) That is something which I am sure almost anyone in a relationship can identify with. I take my hat off to any couple who can spend all there time together and still keep their own sanity!

I really don't think that the dynamics of relationships change just because of their gender make up is different. We both need our space and we both miss each other now that we have been apart. I miss having someone give me a kick up the ass because I haven't got my act together and paid the bills, I miss cooking dinner together and facing the enormous challenge of flat dishes together, I miss having someone around who knows me inside out, but most of all I miss being with the person I love and going to bed knowing I will wake up next to her, not in silence.

I think anyone can identify with that feeling, no matter how much you need their corner of individual time and space, no matter how much you get annoyed with your nearest and dearest, and no matter what kind of relationship you find yourself in.

Welcome to my not-so-secret identity

So at some point last year a very strange thing happenned to me. I started to develop these feeling that I couldn't control. Actually, I'm sure that has happenned to many people, so perhaps that's not the strange part. What was a little freaky though, was that I kinda, well not kinda - I did, fall in love with my best friend.

Ahh, now that was a pretty awkward situation. How do you explain to someone that you more than just 'friend-love' them? It really was a nasty little secret I was harbouring. It ate me up with fear, becuase I couldn't tell anybody. See the thing was, my friend was actually a female. Talk about throwing a spanner in the works.

So while I spent endless nights worrying about all these feelings and emotions that were piling up inside me, little did I know that my friend was feeling the same thing. Let me tell you now, that knowledge of a 'taboo' crush so to say, almost drove us apart before we had even given things a chance to surface.

For both of us it was an immensely difficult time. But let me save you the sticky details and just tell you that eventually things did find their place and so did we. One night it just all came out and from that point on we have really been inseperable. What was a forbidden crush has become my life, a queer on at that. It is a beautiful thing to fall in love and an even more amazing feeling to know that it is reciprocal. I am a very lucky girl and have never underestimated that.

However I live in a world where to be in a same sex relationship still isn't the norm. Before last year I never knew, understood, or was even interested in anything to do with the gay world. It is an awkward subject a lot of the time with labels and ideas attached that often make people cringe. For me though, life is just the same as ever, and I feel I am still relatively the same person as I always have been. Just because my sexual orientation appears different, it does not mean that I am. I dislike the word 'lesbian' and am still getting used to it. I do not concider myself to be one, and do not wish to stick labels on myself or my partner.

We simply 'are'. Just like you. We have our ups and downs, our fights and our good times. Of course, things aren't black and white - but when are they ever. I want to start this blog to give others an insight on what it is to be living a lifestyle that is so foriegn to so many people. I think it is important that we can break the cultural stigma that is 'to be gay', becuase I am living proof that it can happen to anyone. At the end of the day I believe that we fall in love with a person, not a gender, and that is what is important.

So enjoy reading, I hope you can take something from my musings. Feel free to comment, and be open to learning. Thanks and Cheers.