Last night we lay in bed and talked. I wasn't feeling very well and needed reminding of why and how life ended up as it is.
We talked about the first few days we were together, which is one of our favourite memories. Everything was so new and scary and exciting. We had no idea what was going on and where these strange and unfamiliar feelings were heading. We were living in our own little world with our own secrets and identity. Back then, nothing else mattered, no ones opinion or attitude or reaction or anything. Uni didn't matter, socialising didn't matter, money didn't matter, not even eating mattered - which is really saying something!
It is amazing how easily those thoughts and feeling fade away as habit and routine slip in. Sometimes it scares me what has become of those nights when I couldn't sleep because I was too consumed in this love that was so foreign yet so right. It just used to make me smile knowing that I had something that most people would literally search a lifetime for. It still does, but in a different way.
I think that now I worry too much about how we are supposed to make this work. About how we can survive as two girls living together, relying on each other and being devoted only to each other. Instead of spending the night thinking about what I have been blessed with, I often spend it thinking about what may happen over the next year, where we are heading, how we are going to get there, and if we are even going to make it.
Perhaps it is the voices in my own head that are holding me back from enjoying our relationship and just being happy with what life has given me. No one has ever doubted us (to our face) or our integrity just because we two girls. No one has ever said 'STOP!' think about this and doubt yourself. But I do. I can't help but worry and wonder and question. Maybe it is normal or natural. Maybe it is part of every relationship no matter whether heterosexual or homosexual, to have hesitations and go through the motions. I really hope it is. Actually, what I really hope is that someone will just come and shake me and tell me to pull myself together, to stop doubting and worrying and to just remember all those things that I love so much about my partner.
Well, whatever does happen in the future, I know that last night, after we talked, I fell asleep straight away and woke up after an amazing sleep, which was a relief. Just those few minutes we spent reminding each other of all the good was enough to put a smile back on my face.
I think I need to spend more time concentrating on what is going well right now, and what we are creating at the moment, than worrying about all the problems we have and the hurdles we are facing. Oh how I crave for this balance. I guess that is something we need to spend, as everyone does, time working on and talking about.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
My Year Without Sex
I was fortunate enough to go and see a screening of this film with a commentary from the director Sarah Watts afterwards. Let me tell you, this movie is super cute. Here is the link to the official website, I recommend you have a little look: http://www.myyearwithoutsex.com/
Now as much as the title suggests, this is not really a movie about a someone who has decided to give up sex for a year. Yes, that is a factor, but more than that is a story about everyday life and everyday challenges. Perhaps that sounds boring, but let me assure you, this movie is so realistic and has such accurate depictions of the good, the bad and the ugly, that it will leave you wishing there was more months in a year. Each character is so convicing in their portrayal, that to start with, I actually thought this was a documentary following a family.
However, the sexual inuendo introducing each month of the year was a reminder that this is infact a movie. Sarah Watts has done an amazing job of taking what could be a potentially average film and turning it into something amazing. The whole idea of sex and the title references to it gives the movie a perfect angle and helps create a window into the families life. I really enjoyed how this film reminded me that everyone has demons and that the world is in a lot of cases, an unforgiving place. It made me realise that perhaps I wasn't unlike everyone else and that I guess it really is important to just deal with and adjust to what you have.
Look for the quirks and subtelties of each character, they will surprise you and draw you in, adding to the credibility of the overall film. I highly recommend My Year Without Sex, it is well worth the watch and is in no other words a beautiful look at reality.
Now as much as the title suggests, this is not really a movie about a someone who has decided to give up sex for a year. Yes, that is a factor, but more than that is a story about everyday life and everyday challenges. Perhaps that sounds boring, but let me assure you, this movie is so realistic and has such accurate depictions of the good, the bad and the ugly, that it will leave you wishing there was more months in a year. Each character is so convicing in their portrayal, that to start with, I actually thought this was a documentary following a family.
However, the sexual inuendo introducing each month of the year was a reminder that this is infact a movie. Sarah Watts has done an amazing job of taking what could be a potentially average film and turning it into something amazing. The whole idea of sex and the title references to it gives the movie a perfect angle and helps create a window into the families life. I really enjoyed how this film reminded me that everyone has demons and that the world is in a lot of cases, an unforgiving place. It made me realise that perhaps I wasn't unlike everyone else and that I guess it really is important to just deal with and adjust to what you have.
Look for the quirks and subtelties of each character, they will surprise you and draw you in, adding to the credibility of the overall film. I highly recommend My Year Without Sex, it is well worth the watch and is in no other words a beautiful look at reality.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Are you the same as me?
I remember this friend of mine in England who was a self-identified lesbian. We were sitting in a bar one time with all our mates and a group of girls walked past all glamed up. The boys were practically drooling as they watched them strutt their stuff, trying oh so hard to impress. What cracked me up though was when my friend, smiled sweetly out the window and waved at the girls too. They looked very confused.
Although they might have been the straight type who my friend wasnt't seriously interested in, to her they were good perving material. She used to always say that she had 'gaydar' which is kind of like a radar for sensing whether people were gay or not. Since I have been with my partner I have often wondered if I too possess this inner 'gaydar'. Turns out I don't...
I always wonder "ooo, are those two together? are they also like us" and then I say to my partner (trying to be discreet) "look at those two over there! do you think they're gay?" So she turns and looks and we are both staring for ages (thinking that we are being really discreet, but are obviously not). I am never right. It always turns out to be 'the best friend' or 'a good family friend' or a sister or someone, anyone, just not their partner.
It is quite funny really. I don't know why we always get our hopes up everytime we see two girls together in a situation that we can't explain. It is like we are searching for something or someone who is like ourselves. It is a way of feeling 'normal'. The idea is that if we see other 'normal' looking people in a same sex relationship then we will feel more accepted and mainstream, so to say.
It's like whenever we do see an obviously gay couple my parnter is like "LOOK!! they're gay!" and we both stare for ages. The poor people must wonder why we are staring, little do they know that we are just happy that they are out and being themselves. Or maybe they know that we too are gay, maybe their 'gaydar' is working.......
Although they might have been the straight type who my friend wasnt't seriously interested in, to her they were good perving material. She used to always say that she had 'gaydar' which is kind of like a radar for sensing whether people were gay or not. Since I have been with my partner I have often wondered if I too possess this inner 'gaydar'. Turns out I don't...
I always wonder "ooo, are those two together? are they also like us" and then I say to my partner (trying to be discreet) "look at those two over there! do you think they're gay?" So she turns and looks and we are both staring for ages (thinking that we are being really discreet, but are obviously not). I am never right. It always turns out to be 'the best friend' or 'a good family friend' or a sister or someone, anyone, just not their partner.
It is quite funny really. I don't know why we always get our hopes up everytime we see two girls together in a situation that we can't explain. It is like we are searching for something or someone who is like ourselves. It is a way of feeling 'normal'. The idea is that if we see other 'normal' looking people in a same sex relationship then we will feel more accepted and mainstream, so to say.
It's like whenever we do see an obviously gay couple my parnter is like "LOOK!! they're gay!" and we both stare for ages. The poor people must wonder why we are staring, little do they know that we are just happy that they are out and being themselves. Or maybe they know that we too are gay, maybe their 'gaydar' is working.......
Friday, October 16, 2009
Walk on Water (movie)
This is a really beautiful movie. I would recommend it to anyone who needs a little inspiration and a reminder of why we keep trudging on with life, even though things never turn out how we expect. I wont tell you what happens, find out for yourself and let me know what you think =)
Follow me... everything is all right... (its a song!)
Hey, if you like what you read, I would love for you to follow my blog. There is a link at the top of the page which will help you subscribe and to share it with others. Feel free to comment on anything I write, I would love to hear your opinions, comments, feedback, and/or experiences with any of the things I discuss.
Cheers =)
Cheers =)
The nostalgia of being 21.
After perhaps a little too much thinking I've come to the conclusion that 21sts are a funny stage in life. They are such a 'right of passage' and when I was young I spent so many years wondering what I would be like when I was that old. I wondered what kind of person I would be, where I would be living, what I would be doing, all that kind of stuff, but I guess most of all I wondered what my boyfriend would be like.
It turns out she is gorgeous! It also turns out that nothing that I planned or thought ever ended up how I expected. In fact, when I was about 11, being a little smart ass kid and all, I wrote this list of how I wanted my life to be when I grew up. I signed it, dated it, and gave it to one of my best friend's Mum. Not such a smart idea. Of course she saved it for my 21st and gave the 'document' to me, framed and all, to read out in front of everyone when speech time came around.
It was quite funny what I had written. Ammoung other things I wanted to get married in my home town at the tender age of 21 (that's scary!), spend my days as a marine biologist who specialises in dolphins, and retire to a Christian settlement with my best friend to spend my last few days writing sweet songs and poems. Oh the idealism of being 11. I had everything planned out, I even (although for some strange reason it wasn't on the list even though I clearly remember writing it) was convinced that I would marry my childhood crush, the guy who I couldn't take my eye off for too many years and was too scared to talk to.
Now this list of wishes and hopes for a good life made me realise two things. First of all, change is inevitable. It doesn't matter how much you plan and how many hours you spend thinking, wondering; nothing is going to stay the same. People change, ideas change, ambitions change, and there is no point in fighting this. I may not be the person I thought I was going to be, but I sure am happy with the 21 years I've had so far. Gosh, I never in my wildest dreams thought that life would be as it is now but that's ok. We adapt. We all do, no matter what circumstances we are in, everybody has the ability to change and what I'm learning is that perhaps one of the greatest abilities one can have; is to be open to change.
The other thing that I realised is to do with an old friend of mine. In my 'life statement', all most every goal/ambition had the mention of this friend and how we both wanted to do all these amazing things. I thought that we had a friendship which was invincible and could stand the test of time and change. Maybe we still do. But now that I am with my partner I am almost too scared to talk to her. Maybe it is my own paranoia but I am really worried that she wont accept us, as her (and her family) are strongly Christian. It's not that I don't believe in God, because I do, it's just that when I was younger (around the same age as when I wrote that list) I remember having a conversation with her and her mum that now haunts me.
The conversation took place when I was visiting her in Auckland, and we were driving somewhere in the car. Talkback radio was on and the hosts were discussing the idea of civil unions. Being my opinionated and naieve self, I said to the others that I don't see why people shouldn't be allowed to have a civil union. I could not see why it would be a problem, and thought that people should be able to love who they like. After all, love is one of the most natural human instincts. I was not prepared in any way for the response I was about to recieve.
I had made the comment in such an innocent way, really. It was mainly just banter in response to the radio. I will never forget though, being told that I was wrong. I was actually told that it is absolutely wrong in every single way for two people of the same sex to have a relationship together and to even concider having a civil union, let alone think about having a family together. The basis for this her Mum said, was that God created men and women to have a family and that that was the only way it should be. It would be unnatural and wrong to go against that order and that it would affect the whole world order if gay people were to start living together and to bring up children. Children would get the wrong ideas and not be happy or wholesome and it would affect their way of thinking. Things could only be right, she said, if a male and a female were together.
I was dumbstruck. Wasn't expecting that lecture at all. It shattered my innocent thinking and pulled me into what is perhaps the big wide world. Now don't get me wrong, I still love that family and respect their beliefs, but I was just left wondering why things had to be like that and who should decide what is right and what is wrong and on what basis do others have to judge anothers happiness and way of life. I have not spoken to that friend in a while, I don't want to lie to her about my relationship if I see her, that would contradicting my way of thinking. But I don't know if I could bring myself to confront her, not when those words are so vividly etched into my mind.
Although my 21st did bring up this issue and made me very sad at the thought of losing such a dear friend, especially when I believed for so long that we would live happily married next door to each other with husbands and kids, it did make me happy for so many more reasons. My family and friends were all there to celebrate with me, and they all realised that life has changed since I wrote that list, and that I have changed too. They all accept me for who I am, and call my partner one of the family. In fact, they were so accepting of myself and my sexuality that amoungst the wish list and the speeches that night, I actually forgot to thank everyone for just letting me be me.
It turns out she is gorgeous! It also turns out that nothing that I planned or thought ever ended up how I expected. In fact, when I was about 11, being a little smart ass kid and all, I wrote this list of how I wanted my life to be when I grew up. I signed it, dated it, and gave it to one of my best friend's Mum. Not such a smart idea. Of course she saved it for my 21st and gave the 'document' to me, framed and all, to read out in front of everyone when speech time came around.
It was quite funny what I had written. Ammoung other things I wanted to get married in my home town at the tender age of 21 (that's scary!), spend my days as a marine biologist who specialises in dolphins, and retire to a Christian settlement with my best friend to spend my last few days writing sweet songs and poems. Oh the idealism of being 11. I had everything planned out, I even (although for some strange reason it wasn't on the list even though I clearly remember writing it) was convinced that I would marry my childhood crush, the guy who I couldn't take my eye off for too many years and was too scared to talk to.
Now this list of wishes and hopes for a good life made me realise two things. First of all, change is inevitable. It doesn't matter how much you plan and how many hours you spend thinking, wondering; nothing is going to stay the same. People change, ideas change, ambitions change, and there is no point in fighting this. I may not be the person I thought I was going to be, but I sure am happy with the 21 years I've had so far. Gosh, I never in my wildest dreams thought that life would be as it is now but that's ok. We adapt. We all do, no matter what circumstances we are in, everybody has the ability to change and what I'm learning is that perhaps one of the greatest abilities one can have; is to be open to change.
The other thing that I realised is to do with an old friend of mine. In my 'life statement', all most every goal/ambition had the mention of this friend and how we both wanted to do all these amazing things. I thought that we had a friendship which was invincible and could stand the test of time and change. Maybe we still do. But now that I am with my partner I am almost too scared to talk to her. Maybe it is my own paranoia but I am really worried that she wont accept us, as her (and her family) are strongly Christian. It's not that I don't believe in God, because I do, it's just that when I was younger (around the same age as when I wrote that list) I remember having a conversation with her and her mum that now haunts me.
The conversation took place when I was visiting her in Auckland, and we were driving somewhere in the car. Talkback radio was on and the hosts were discussing the idea of civil unions. Being my opinionated and naieve self, I said to the others that I don't see why people shouldn't be allowed to have a civil union. I could not see why it would be a problem, and thought that people should be able to love who they like. After all, love is one of the most natural human instincts. I was not prepared in any way for the response I was about to recieve.
I had made the comment in such an innocent way, really. It was mainly just banter in response to the radio. I will never forget though, being told that I was wrong. I was actually told that it is absolutely wrong in every single way for two people of the same sex to have a relationship together and to even concider having a civil union, let alone think about having a family together. The basis for this her Mum said, was that God created men and women to have a family and that that was the only way it should be. It would be unnatural and wrong to go against that order and that it would affect the whole world order if gay people were to start living together and to bring up children. Children would get the wrong ideas and not be happy or wholesome and it would affect their way of thinking. Things could only be right, she said, if a male and a female were together.
I was dumbstruck. Wasn't expecting that lecture at all. It shattered my innocent thinking and pulled me into what is perhaps the big wide world. Now don't get me wrong, I still love that family and respect their beliefs, but I was just left wondering why things had to be like that and who should decide what is right and what is wrong and on what basis do others have to judge anothers happiness and way of life. I have not spoken to that friend in a while, I don't want to lie to her about my relationship if I see her, that would contradicting my way of thinking. But I don't know if I could bring myself to confront her, not when those words are so vividly etched into my mind.
Although my 21st did bring up this issue and made me very sad at the thought of losing such a dear friend, especially when I believed for so long that we would live happily married next door to each other with husbands and kids, it did make me happy for so many more reasons. My family and friends were all there to celebrate with me, and they all realised that life has changed since I wrote that list, and that I have changed too. They all accept me for who I am, and call my partner one of the family. In fact, they were so accepting of myself and my sexuality that amoungst the wish list and the speeches that night, I actually forgot to thank everyone for just letting me be me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Boobs, bikes, and boys.
Boobs on bikes went past my uni the other day. My classmates never turned up becuase they were on the street watching and the few who did make it, including the tutor, were gawking out the window. So I went to my seat, sat down, and waited for everyone to arrive after having had their dose of free porn for the day. Needless to say that it was an awkward experience for me.
I felt too scared to go with everyone and watch scantily clad females ride topless on the back of old men's motorbikes. There is this feeling that if I join in, I will be judged as enjoing the show and thus be looked upon as a lesbian who is -like many boys- obsessed with and turned on by boobs. It's not that I don't appreciate the female form, because that would be a lie to say that I don't, but It's just that I am not ready to be looked at as a lesbian in that sense.
It is a strange feeling to need to justify my being all the time. I often say 'ooo that guy is hot' or 'oh yeah, when I went out with that guy' just to throw the fact in the conversation that I haven't been interested in girls all my life and that I am still interested in guys. It is not that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, it's just that perception can be a scary thing! We all want acceptance in one way or another, and learning how to find it, as I am learning, often involves taking a step back and just accepting what is. I am who I am and I haven't changed, I know that but learning how to put that out to everyone else is a bit more of a challenge.
I felt too scared to go with everyone and watch scantily clad females ride topless on the back of old men's motorbikes. There is this feeling that if I join in, I will be judged as enjoing the show and thus be looked upon as a lesbian who is -like many boys- obsessed with and turned on by boobs. It's not that I don't appreciate the female form, because that would be a lie to say that I don't, but It's just that I am not ready to be looked at as a lesbian in that sense.
It is a strange feeling to need to justify my being all the time. I often say 'ooo that guy is hot' or 'oh yeah, when I went out with that guy' just to throw the fact in the conversation that I haven't been interested in girls all my life and that I am still interested in guys. It is not that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, it's just that perception can be a scary thing! We all want acceptance in one way or another, and learning how to find it, as I am learning, often involves taking a step back and just accepting what is. I am who I am and I haven't changed, I know that but learning how to put that out to everyone else is a bit more of a challenge.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The silence of being alone.
It's saturday night and I'm sitting at home... alone. That could possibly be sad. But I'm actually enjoying the calmness that having no one else in the house brings. Having all this flat with no people in it is quite refreshing, its like a whole new kind of breathing space. I haven't had much 'me time' lately becuase my partner and I live together. Which was and is a big step, although at the time it seemed like a natural progression. Anyway, she is away at the moment and its probably the first time in too long that we've been apart. Living together is great; it's beautiful, comforting and fun, but it takes its toll.
Sitting by myself, I realise that as an individual, I need my silence and space. The scary thing is though, it takes being apart to really appreciate it. I guess it all comes back to that whole idea of 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' (note: absense - not absinthe, as some of my friends would perhaps like to think. hehehe.) That is something which I am sure almost anyone in a relationship can identify with. I take my hat off to any couple who can spend all there time together and still keep their own sanity!
I really don't think that the dynamics of relationships change just because of their gender make up is different. We both need our space and we both miss each other now that we have been apart. I miss having someone give me a kick up the ass because I haven't got my act together and paid the bills, I miss cooking dinner together and facing the enormous challenge of flat dishes together, I miss having someone around who knows me inside out, but most of all I miss being with the person I love and going to bed knowing I will wake up next to her, not in silence.
I think anyone can identify with that feeling, no matter how much you need their corner of individual time and space, no matter how much you get annoyed with your nearest and dearest, and no matter what kind of relationship you find yourself in.
Sitting by myself, I realise that as an individual, I need my silence and space. The scary thing is though, it takes being apart to really appreciate it. I guess it all comes back to that whole idea of 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' (note: absense - not absinthe, as some of my friends would perhaps like to think. hehehe.) That is something which I am sure almost anyone in a relationship can identify with. I take my hat off to any couple who can spend all there time together and still keep their own sanity!
I really don't think that the dynamics of relationships change just because of their gender make up is different. We both need our space and we both miss each other now that we have been apart. I miss having someone give me a kick up the ass because I haven't got my act together and paid the bills, I miss cooking dinner together and facing the enormous challenge of flat dishes together, I miss having someone around who knows me inside out, but most of all I miss being with the person I love and going to bed knowing I will wake up next to her, not in silence.
I think anyone can identify with that feeling, no matter how much you need their corner of individual time and space, no matter how much you get annoyed with your nearest and dearest, and no matter what kind of relationship you find yourself in.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Welcome to my not-so-secret identity
So at some point last year a very strange thing happenned to me. I started to develop these feeling that I couldn't control. Actually, I'm sure that has happenned to many people, so perhaps that's not the strange part. What was a little freaky though, was that I kinda, well not kinda - I did, fall in love with my best friend.
Ahh, now that was a pretty awkward situation. How do you explain to someone that you more than just 'friend-love' them? It really was a nasty little secret I was harbouring. It ate me up with fear, becuase I couldn't tell anybody. See the thing was, my friend was actually a female. Talk about throwing a spanner in the works.
So while I spent endless nights worrying about all these feelings and emotions that were piling up inside me, little did I know that my friend was feeling the same thing. Let me tell you now, that knowledge of a 'taboo' crush so to say, almost drove us apart before we had even given things a chance to surface.
For both of us it was an immensely difficult time. But let me save you the sticky details and just tell you that eventually things did find their place and so did we. One night it just all came out and from that point on we have really been inseperable. What was a forbidden crush has become my life, a queer on at that. It is a beautiful thing to fall in love and an even more amazing feeling to know that it is reciprocal. I am a very lucky girl and have never underestimated that.
However I live in a world where to be in a same sex relationship still isn't the norm. Before last year I never knew, understood, or was even interested in anything to do with the gay world. It is an awkward subject a lot of the time with labels and ideas attached that often make people cringe. For me though, life is just the same as ever, and I feel I am still relatively the same person as I always have been. Just because my sexual orientation appears different, it does not mean that I am. I dislike the word 'lesbian' and am still getting used to it. I do not concider myself to be one, and do not wish to stick labels on myself or my partner.
We simply 'are'. Just like you. We have our ups and downs, our fights and our good times. Of course, things aren't black and white - but when are they ever. I want to start this blog to give others an insight on what it is to be living a lifestyle that is so foriegn to so many people. I think it is important that we can break the cultural stigma that is 'to be gay', becuase I am living proof that it can happen to anyone. At the end of the day I believe that we fall in love with a person, not a gender, and that is what is important.
So enjoy reading, I hope you can take something from my musings. Feel free to comment, and be open to learning. Thanks and Cheers.
Ahh, now that was a pretty awkward situation. How do you explain to someone that you more than just 'friend-love' them? It really was a nasty little secret I was harbouring. It ate me up with fear, becuase I couldn't tell anybody. See the thing was, my friend was actually a female. Talk about throwing a spanner in the works.
So while I spent endless nights worrying about all these feelings and emotions that were piling up inside me, little did I know that my friend was feeling the same thing. Let me tell you now, that knowledge of a 'taboo' crush so to say, almost drove us apart before we had even given things a chance to surface.
For both of us it was an immensely difficult time. But let me save you the sticky details and just tell you that eventually things did find their place and so did we. One night it just all came out and from that point on we have really been inseperable. What was a forbidden crush has become my life, a queer on at that. It is a beautiful thing to fall in love and an even more amazing feeling to know that it is reciprocal. I am a very lucky girl and have never underestimated that.
However I live in a world where to be in a same sex relationship still isn't the norm. Before last year I never knew, understood, or was even interested in anything to do with the gay world. It is an awkward subject a lot of the time with labels and ideas attached that often make people cringe. For me though, life is just the same as ever, and I feel I am still relatively the same person as I always have been. Just because my sexual orientation appears different, it does not mean that I am. I dislike the word 'lesbian' and am still getting used to it. I do not concider myself to be one, and do not wish to stick labels on myself or my partner.
We simply 'are'. Just like you. We have our ups and downs, our fights and our good times. Of course, things aren't black and white - but when are they ever. I want to start this blog to give others an insight on what it is to be living a lifestyle that is so foriegn to so many people. I think it is important that we can break the cultural stigma that is 'to be gay', becuase I am living proof that it can happen to anyone. At the end of the day I believe that we fall in love with a person, not a gender, and that is what is important.
So enjoy reading, I hope you can take something from my musings. Feel free to comment, and be open to learning. Thanks and Cheers.
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