Reminiscing

Last night we lay in bed and talked. I wasn't feeling very well and needed reminding of why and how life ended up as it is.

We talked about the first few days we were together, which is one of our favourite memories. Everything was so new and scary and exciting. We had no idea what was going on and where these strange and unfamiliar feelings were heading. We were living in our own little world with our own secrets and identity. Back then, nothing else mattered, no ones opinion or attitude or reaction or anything. Uni didn't matter, socialising didn't matter, money didn't matter, not even eating mattered - which is really saying something!

It is amazing how easily those thoughts and feeling fade away as habit and routine slip in. Sometimes it scares me what has become of those nights when I couldn't sleep because I was too consumed in this love that was so foreign yet so right. It just used to make me smile knowing that I had something that most people would literally search a lifetime for. It still does, but in a different way.

I think that now I worry too much about how we are supposed to make this work. About how we can survive as two girls living together, relying on each other and being devoted only to each other. Instead of spending the night thinking about what I have been blessed with, I often spend it thinking about what may happen over the next year, where we are heading, how we are going to get there, and if we are even going to make it.

Perhaps it is the voices in my own head that are holding me back from enjoying our relationship and just being happy with what life has given me. No one has ever doubted us (to our face) or our integrity just because we two girls. No one has ever said 'STOP!' think about this and doubt yourself. But I do. I can't help but worry and wonder and question. Maybe it is normal or natural. Maybe it is part of every relationship no matter whether heterosexual or homosexual, to have hesitations and go through the motions. I really hope it is. Actually, what I really hope is that someone will just come and shake me and tell me to pull myself together, to stop doubting and worrying and to just remember all those things that I love so much about my partner.

Well, whatever does happen in the future, I know that last night, after we talked, I fell asleep straight away and woke up after an amazing sleep, which was a relief. Just those few minutes we spent reminding each other of all the good was enough to put a smile back on my face.

I think I need to spend more time concentrating on what is going well right now, and what we are creating at the moment, than worrying about all the problems we have and the hurdles we are facing. Oh how I crave for this balance. I guess that is something we need to spend, as everyone does, time working on and talking about.